I think it is a great milestone in your life when you know yourself. Its arrival time varies among us, prompted often by life’s events instead of age. I think I am at a good place with me, in so far as I know my flaws and my potholes. As is often the case, we tend to recognize the negative things before the positive but I am aware of those too.
In therapy one of the things I have been working on for many years is being able to think or talk about my mom, smiling and laughing, for only a short time without getting upset and crying. It has bothered me for a long time. I have heard it said that being sad over someone we loved who has died is an affront to them, your memories and the love you shared. That the one you have lost would not want it to be hard for you to remember them.
I am an emotional person as my tagline indicates. I cry over the beauty of this country and my graditude when I travel. Anything patriotic tears me right up. I am surprised I don’t have two permanent vertical grooves on my face from the two salt water streams that have run down my cheeks for decades. It should not have been the revelation that it was to understand that crying is my way. Of course the loss of my mom is still difficult for me. Due to my father’s alcoholism, the dynamics of our family were not “normal”; I was often the parent to her, protecting her, constantly trying to counter the unhappiness she experienced in her marriage. We were best friends, mother-daughter, parent (me) – child (her). It was us against our world for a very long time, it could be said until the moment she exhaled for the final time. Ours was a complex relationship. I lost more than one person when she passed away.
I learned a long time ago that grief is a process that will take as long as it takes. I want you to understand this and give yourself the time you need and the grace you deserve. Now I also know that another large piece of grief is that it is unique to not only who we were with the person we mourn but who we ourselves are to our core. How I react to my mom being gone is exactly what I should expect given my MO and my multi-faceted connection with my MOm.
#sisterrain #alittlesightalotofheart #legallyblindwriter #itsmymomandillcryifithinkofher
