After a spring spent focusing on my new career: researching, studying, creating, I find myself in a new spot. No, not my new business. And not longing for my past work life as I was for a long time after my vision loss. Instead, I find myself the last few months in a self-imposed limbo land. I still want what I have chosen to do with my life but I have been content to fill my days doing other things not related to the future I have agonized over since my life changed so drastically. This makes no sense because all I have said to anyone who has had to listen after losing my sight has been, What is my purpose and passion now? So why has the fire in my belly died down to embers?
I have discussed this with my therapist, pause for whatever your reaction may be about therapy, and she is completely unconcerned. She knows me, this is not my typical behavior and will not last. She knows I will dissect it every which way. She has encouraged me to give myself a break and reminds me that sometimes you just need a damn minute. I am paraphrasing here and also demonstrating why I’m on the couch and she’s in the chair.
When I analyze the years of grieving for my former life with normal vision, of healing, of trying to figure out what’s next, I can understand and admit that I was exhausted. My subconscious put the brakes on, allowing me time to regroup and recharge before I begin this new chapter that I now, ironically, see so clearly.
Lately I have become inspired and motivated again so it is fitting that the final piece of this hiatus just clicked into place with the realization of what these past few months have been all about. “Break” is defined as a pause or interruption. I think it’s neither of those things but rather a gift you give yourself. And sometimes, self does it without your even knowing it.
