It is human nature to want what we can’t have, at least right now, but I think this concept often relates to a bigger house, fancier car, more money in general. What I have realized recently is that this applies to the little things in life as well. During the COVID lockdown, many of my friends started doing jigsaw puzzles obsessively. Although I am not an aficionado, who is to say I would not have joined the trend and gotten myself a box of 1,000 pieces, which when correctly combined would create a drawing of Sedona or a picture of the ocean. This pastime is now extremely difficult for me with my vision loss. I don’t see color except blue, finding the details in the image is impossible. Sure, I can finger the edges, but it would take a long time to finish an entire puzzle using touch. Even if fun in the beginning, I’m sure frustration would set in. There are enough challenges in everyday duties when you can’t see much. For example, I spent five minutes this morning trying to find the zipper on a suitcase. I’m not looking for a hobby that causes annoyance.
But here’s the thing: I was envious of my gals for being able to participate in one of the first activities we learn as children. How can I justify that? I mean, we can rationalize anything, yet another trait of being a homosapien, but I didn’t like that I was feeling that way. Jealousy is an emotion I became intimately acquainted with in the early years of my blindness. On top of the obvious things I now was unable to see or do, I could no longer perform the duties of a career I loved. As a result, financial concerns limited my ability to experience other things that meant a lot to me, especially travel. Driving to this day is a sharp green pain, despite the fact that I can’t even see that color.
For the most part, though, I live in gratitude for the sight that I do have, as well as my interesting life. Yet, as with many of these types of reactions, envy can surprise, it will rear its ugly head, punch me in the gut, remind me of what I’ve lost. That is an important distinction: I understand that I’m not upset with what others have that I don’t unless it’s something I did have when I was not optically impaired. In these instances, there remains a wanting with definite shades of Elphaba. IYKYK. But somehow being conscious of the difference is progress.
Through talk therapy I have leaned to give myself the grace I would afford others. A big part of that is being aware of my own heart. I wouldn’t wish my disability on anyone, at the top of the list: those I love. I am happy for them, but sad for me. And that’s okay. Through the help of a professional, I’ve acquired knowledge as to how our thoughts, feelings and actions connect. It may not be a jigsaw, but that is a puzzle I can piece together.
#sisterrain #alittlesightalotofheart #legallyblindwriter #blindnessisaspectrum #opticneuropathy #visuallyimpaired #blind #thepuzzlethatisenvy
