2016: The Yearr Of More Sweet, Less Bitter

Happy New Year!

My wish, my hope, my dream is always the restoration of my full sight. But that is not something I can make happen, that’s in the hands of medical professionals, scientists and maybe technology too. So I can’t consider it a resolution. Yes, the “R” Word, thrown around this time of year as if it was deflated footballs.

Until 20/20 returns, what I want, what I need is to be okay with the loss of my vision. I’m sure that sounds odd. How could anyone be okay with such a thing? Let me try to explain it to both of us. This has only become important to me in the last few weeks so I am still trying to understand it myself.

Okay means acceptance, agreement, satisfactory. I am living my life to the best of my ability. I laugh. I have fun. Both genuine. I power through the challenges with hopefully some small degree of grace. But it’s not okay with me that I am now legally blind.

I go out with friends and I keep things going at home. I workout. In 2015 reading came back into my life via technology. I blog. I do most things I did before November 27, 2012 except drive and have a career in corporate America. But nothing I do is the same as it was before I woke up blind. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is more difficult and bittersweet.

I love having dinner with friends, but it makes me sad that I can’t see their faces across the table from me. I love being at my nephew’s baseball games, but I can’t see him play or follow the action without my husband’s play-by-play. I love to travel but I think it might literally kill me to be in Sedona and not be able to see the beautiful red rocks. I want the bitter taste to go away and the sweetness of each of my life’s moments be all that I taste.

The execution of a resolution requires willpower, strength, commitment, support, a conscious decision to alter a behavior and a change in how you think. I have to stop comparing everything to when I was fully sighted. I have to enjoy the amazing life I have. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? As easy as quitting smoking and losing weight.

So that’s what I am thinking most about on the first day of this new year. I don’t know if I’ll get there in 2016. I really hope that I do. But if I don’t, that’s okay. Last year’s “R” Word? Self-compassion.

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