I did something big today. I called my neuro-ophthalmologist’s office. I am a patient at one of the top ophthalmology hospitals in the country, and I was supposed to phone them at least six months ago. The purpose of the call was to see how the clinical trials that could lead to my full vision recovery are going, and also to see if there were any other new treatments coming down the pike for me.
Initially, my reluctance to make the call was a self -defense move. I couldn’t make the call because I was afraid there would be no good news. I realize there could very well be new options for my sight, but the chance of disappointment outweighed any other possibility in my mind.
As time went on, I didn’t even think about making the call until someone would ask me if I had. I have been so focused on creating a new, full life for myself, that I didn’t know how to attack the future and yet also hold on to the hope of regaining my sight. I didn’t know how to work hard, every day, doing new things to take the place of the old things I can no longer do, and also put the time and energy into hoping for a cure. I’m either all in with this new and very different life, or longing for the old one. It’s a very weird place to be.
Of course, I want nothing more than to have my full sight back. It’s what I wish for at every birthday and at every superstitious, old wives’ tale moment. And yet, what I pray for every night is that I find a new life for myself, as a fulfilled visually challenged person, for that is my current struggle.
But today I made the call. I felt strong hitting the call button on my iPhone. As everyone close to me knew, one day I would just do it. Today was that day.
Sadly, there is nothing right now as far as treatments or clinical trials for me. I’m supposed to call them again in six months, as the world of medicine these days is a world of miracles.
Between now and February, I will continue to reinvent myself. I’ll also add ‘full vision recovery’ to my prayers. Writing this blog post has made me realize that I’ve stopped praying for a miracle. And I can’t give up before the miracle happens. Even I can see that.
