We are in the throes of our fourth nor’easter and I had this thought: just because you’ve weathered one storm doesn’t make the next one any easier. Yesterday I received the results of a skin biopsy I had done last Thursday. The four days between the test and the outcome were full of fear and anger at myself for feeling so afraid. I have been through four extremely difficult medical devastations in a span of two years and instead of hardening me to health challenges I find myself terrified every time I am faced with a questionable spot on the inside or out. I don’t like feeling like this and logically I know it’s a waste of time and energy to worry about something that hasn’t happened yet. A suspicious area on your body does not automatically indicate a dire diagnosis.
What I have come to understand is that it’s not that I immediately go to the worst case: death, but instead I know firsthand the process of being examined, poked, prodded and treated and the toll that takes on you even if you find yourself cured when all is injected and stitched. When I woke up blind with other odd symptoms, I wasn’t terrified nor did I think I wouldn’t fully recover. With every negative result from tests I had heard of but never expected to undergo, I believed if there was no cause the effect would be reversed. In the other three cases, I was not the patient but rather the daughter, wife and daughter-in-law respectively, and the advocate, focusing solely on their care and not my emotions. I was fearless back then, before illness and death. Even now as I rebuild my life I consciously do something brace every day. But at the first sign of a sun spot or lymph node, I am now frightened and shaken to my core.
My mom taught me from a young age to be grateful I could be helped when I had an injury or a condition that could be fixed. She was right, of course, and I am always thankful when I am made better. But like today, as I watch local coverage of the storm and play with Piper, our parrot, drink hot chocolate and appreciate that everyone I care about is home, safe and sound, I know what it will take to clean up after it ends. I know the shoveling that will be involved, the aches and pains and the messy roads for days to come. We are expecting two waves of snowfall today and meteorologists are breaking down the accumulation totals separately. The double dose will add up to one large total, on the heels of three recent similar weather events. Digging out from the foot of snow will occur and very soon there won’t be a trace of it. If only I could say the same about the residual flakes left behind by the four back-to-back health scares of a few years ago.