I have been thinking a lot about loss lately, we have attended several funerals this year, lost others whose loved ones chose not to hold any service. My world seems to be getting smaller and it is very upsetting. As we age, it is natural that we lose our parents and other older relatives. Let me say, once again, to the Circle of Life: I am not a fan. We go through it ourselves then have to watch our friends endure it. We welcome them into the club, Adults Without Parents, an exclusive group that we never knew existed until our immediate induction upon our mom and dad’s last breath. Then there are our friends who die. It is inconceivable that someone around our own age could be gone. My grandmother lived to 96, therefore, that is my self-imposed finish line, certainly not my 50s. I have a lot of living left to do and I am not prepared to do it while losing who is left.
Not that you can replace people, but in the current world in which we live, people work from home, can have just about anything delivered there; where do you meet new friends? How do you, at this stage of your life, make a connection that could turn into an important relationship? I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the energy for it. Most likely because as much as I know there are wonderful people still to be introduced to, I want my old friends with all the history we share, the shorthand organically generated by years together.
It’s like “Survivor“, my island becoming less populated until I am the only one left. I will admit, I am scared. I am fearful of more loss, of having to say goodbye over and over again. I am not ready for the eliminations to come. The voids are already meshing together, leaving gaping wounds that will never fully heal. You may believe you will see your loved ones again one day. Even so, to me, it is not good enough. By the time that happens, there will be nothing left of me.
I miss my people. In a seven-year period, my husband and I lost our parents. Our grandparents had been gone for a least 10 years prior as were any aunts and uncles Mister Rain had. Former co-workers, neighbors, old loves and friends are now being wiped out in a way that makes COVID look like child’s play. I want to live a long, healthy life, but I don’t want to do it alone. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.
So what is the answer? I know of none. Unlike the TV competition, I don’t want to be the last one standing alone. The title, “Survivor,” still works for my reality series though because eventually the loss of everyone I care about will become one more thing I have to survive.
#sisterrain #alittlesightalotofheart #legallyblindwriter #survivor
