I am jealous of you. There, I said it. If you have your full sight I am envious. Sure, that is perfectly understandable. Of course I want that for myself. And yet it is not a good feeling, especially when it originates from people I love and who have always been there for me. They are featured in the photos of my life and are therefore my frame of reference. We are in constant communication via text and I know their every move. And because those moves are made freely and effortlessly it can cause a twinge.
I never felt like this pre-vision loss. If I wanted something I worked hard to make it happen. This is the first time I have really wanted something I am unable to achieve on my own. I have talked about this in therapy, angry with myself that these thoughts arise. Why aren’t I a better person? How can I possibly feel this way?
I know all about negativity wasting our precious energy. And as soon as the feeling occurs I immediately tell myself the following: there are people way worse off than you, you were completely blind for a few weeks; you are grateful to have regained some sight.
With the passage of time I am now focused on the future and not the past. The frequency and severity of these instances has lessened but still when someone is going on a business trip, or reading a book in their backyard or in their bed, my heart can hurt. And the fact that they can jump in a car and go wherever they want, even just to the grocery store or McDonald’s drive-through for a cup of coffee, whenever they want, if I dwell on it, it can, ironically, drive me a little sad.
I have implored my peeps to continue to tell me everything and not keep things from me. I never want anything to get in the way of these treasured relationships. These individuals are infinitely willing to share their sight with me, generously helping me with whatever I need. It’s not personal, it’s anatomical. I wish that I too had healthy optic nerves and the life able to be led because of them. For you see, it used to be my life, too. And even though it’s been almost five years, in this new existence, I am still a little green.