I used to be fearless. What I mean by that is I had a certain confidence in myself and my abilities and in life in general. I had had some difficulties in my life, but nothing more than any other person. But in the past, before I lost my job, little things and maybe even some big things wouldn’t cause me to panic or think the worst. All my coping skills were up and running.
Now, the smallest thing can cause a meltdown. There is something wrong with the house and I assume it’s going to take thousands of dollars to fix. I hear of struggles a friend or family member are going through and I go to the worst case scenario.
I hate this about my new self and I think I will return to the old me with a new job. But who knows? Perhaps this is the new me now and there is no turning back.
I think my unemployment compensation may have run out. I’ve not been receiving unemployment the entire time I’ve been out of work, but as the government has approved extensions, I’ve been eligible for them. As one unemployment associate told me during a call, “These extensions have been granted for people just like you in your situation.”
We have money to fall back on for a few months with me having no income coming in. But Sunday, when I did my bi-weekly online claim and it accepted only one week instead of two, sheer panic and desperation were no match for my now-defunct coping skills.
I need to call unemployment and see what my situation is definitively instead of guessing or assuming. Me, the woman who would call anyone to negotiate a price or a contract, is now afraid to call and find out if I am still eligible for unemployment compensation at this point. My head knows this is ridiculous, but my heart prevails. And therefore the fear prevails.
I am disappointed in myself and my lack of faith. My head believes that everything happens for a reason and that what is supposed to happen will happen. I’ve told you before I am open to all things. If the career I have chosen for myself is to be changed, I accept that. I am looking for signs and not seeing them. I have prayed to my God and the universe that I will do whatever they have in store for me, I am not afraid of hard work, but I need to know what my future path is so that I can go forward.
If it’s not time, well then I’m back to square one. And I have no way of knowing when the right time will be. All I can do is keep on searching not only for a new job, but for that confidence and faith that I once had. That is a much bigger search than the job search and there are no websites that will lead me back to myself. I want myself back, even if it’s in a new and improved form.
Until then, my heart prevails.
